book suggestion: Facing Love Addiction by Pia Mellody

Five and a half years ago I married a lovely man named Peter and moved to his beautiful and magical farm/homestead in eastern Arizona. It felt like a miracle – all at the same time, I gained a doting husband, the home of my dreams, work where I felt useful and needed, and – I believed – security in all these things.

A year and a half later, I first encountered AJ and his teachings. As I have taken in more and more Divine Truth, I have begun to question and deconstruct the entire shape of my life – where I’m living, who I’m living with, and how I spend my time every day. With regard to my marriage, I have been confronting my own addictions and fears and asking what led me into and keeps me in this relationship. Is it love, or something else?

I have heard AJ tell some other women – who were, I thought, going through relationship issues similar to mine – that they needed to open their hearts to their husbands, and in fact that their husbands actually loved them. At the beginning of the Texas retreat, I asked AJ and Mary about my own marriage, and lo and behold they didn’t tell me anything like what I’d heard them say to these other women. Instead, they told me I need to focus on discovering and engaging my own desires, and to pray to know the truth about my relationship. They said, then I would know how I want to go forward. My inner response when they said this to me was something like, What, don’t I get to be told my husband loves me?

Actually, my guides had been even more blunt. A few months earlier, they’d said, “What are you willing to give up in your soul to have a roof over your head?” But I’d hoped that was just coming from the medium’s injuries!

Why didn’t AJ and Mary say something nicer about our relationship, which I was sure had a lot of love in it? Definitely I already knew that Peter and I do a lot of exchanging in practical ways in our daily lives – he chops the firewood and I do the cooking, he cobbles my shoes and I knit his sweaters. But I really felt that, along with that, I love my husband and he loves me!

During the Texas retreat I did pray to know the truth, and opened my heart a little bit to the possibility that there might be a lot more addiction than I was aware of in our marriage … that what feels to me, and to Peter, like love and affection … might not be love and affection. In other conversations, AJ told me that there’s actually a lot of attack and manipulation in Peter’s treatment of me – all of which is VERY hard for me to perceive.

It’s been a bit over a week now since the Texas retreat ended. During this time I’ve processed enough fear and addiction to realize that I really don’t feel like going home, and if and when I do, I want to re-ground my marriage … if it is to continue … in strict truth and love.

Reading this book, Facing Love Addiction, has helped me come to this place.

Love Addicts and Love Avoidants

Pia Mellody is a therapist in the area of addictions and childhood trauma. In this book she describes two modes of behavior in relationships (they don’t have to be romantic relationships – could be a workplace relationship or student-teacher, etc.). One, the “Love Addict,” “is someone who is dependent on, enmeshed with, and compulsively focused on taking care of another person.” The other, the “Love Avoidant,” fears and avoids closeness but takes care of needy people out of a belief that it is his or her “job.” Pia Mellody says that the same person can be both a Love Addict and a Love Avoidant, and I see myself, as well as my husband, in both modes. In both cases, the partners feel compelled to take care of the other. It seems that whether a particular person who has this compulsion is a “Love Addict” or a “Love Avoidant” can change depending on the situation and what emotions are being triggered.

Codependence = lack of self-love

What’s more interesting and helpful in this book, though, is where it aligns with Jesus and Mary’s teachings about relationships, codependence, and addictions. In the YouTube FAQ on “what would my love of myself move me to do for myself?” Mary says, “The key to not being codependent yourself is to love yourself,” and that few people recognize this. Facing Love Addiction does. Pia Mellody describes codependence completely in terms of “a bruised relationship with the self” in which the person has the following symptoms:

1. Difficulty experiencing appropriate levels of self-esteem, that is to say, difficulty loving the self.
2. Difficulty setting functional boundaries with other people, that is to say, difficulty protecting oneself.
3. Difficulty owning one’s own reality appropriately, that is to say, difficulty identifying who one is and knowing how to share that appropriately with others.
4. Difficulty addressing interdependently one’s adult needs and wants, that is to say, difficulty with self-care [we would say self-responsibility].
5. Difficulty experiencing and expressing one’s reality in moderation, that is to say, difficulty being appropriate for one’s age and various circumstances. [Not quite sure what she means by this, but it might have to do with learning not to project emotion?]

Then there are five “secondary symptoms” of codependence, which are:

1. Negative control – telling others who they ought to be, or allowing others to tell the codependent who he/she should be
2. Resentment – where the codependent feels victimized and uses anger to protect her/himself and get a feeling of power and self-esteem.
3. Impaired spirituality – where the codependent makes another person their Higher Power (God) or tries to be another person’s Higher Power. Amazing to see AJ’s point that we often make another person our God, echoed here in a popular self-help book!
4. Addictions – see below
5. Difficulty with intimacy – Since codependents don’t have a clear idea who they are (personal truth), they cannot share that truth with others.

Addictions as symptoms of codependence

Pia Mellody’s description of how addictions are secondary symptoms of codependence is interesting, so I’ll quote the two paragraphs in full:

Our ability to face reality is directly related to our ability to have a healthy relationship with ourself, which means loving the self, protecting the self, identifying the self, caring for the self, and moderating the self. Living out of such a healthy, centered relationship with the self allows us to face the reality of who we are, who others are, who the Higher Power in our lives is, and the reality of our current situation. Developing these abilities and perceptions is the core of recovery from codependence. But when we do not acquire a functional internal relationship and sense of adequacy, the pain that results inside of us and in our relationships with others and with our Higher Power often leads us into an addictive process to alleviate the pain quickly.

I suggest, therefore, that a person with an addiction is probably also a codependent; and conversely, a codependent most likely has one or more addictive or obsessive/compulsive processes. This secondary symptom, then, is the primary link between codependence and any other addiction – particularly love addiction. While experiencing the often unrecognized internal pain for the failure of the relationship with the self, and blaming others for this failure, the Love Addict turns to a certain kind of close relationship, believing the other person can and should soothe the Love Addict’s internal pain through giving unconditional love and attention and taking care of the Love Addict.

Treating codependence first

Pia Mellody suggests that the codependence has to be treated before the love addiction is treated, because “a Love Addict with insufficiently treated codependence [i.e. lack of love of self] is virtually unable to recognize the dynamics of love addiction, or to abstain from the addictive parts of the relationship and endure the withdrawal process.” I can testify to that.

She goes on to write, “Love addiction, therefore, is an addiction that often becomes visible to the codependent only after some work has been done on the core symptoms of codependence. Addressing love addiction can be emotionally very destabilizing because the resistance to facing the denial and delusion around this condition is particularly strong.”

Where I’m at

Myself, I continue to feel that when I am at home, with my husband, I am under a spell, where it’s practically impossible for me to see that my marriage and our life together isn’t beautiful and loving. The moments when I can see through that feel extremely, tearing-guts-out painful (although more recently I’ve also begun to feel the hope and excitement of liberation).

More and more – from a safe distance here in Texas – I am able to remember and have Faith in the Truth about what Love is, and act from that Faith (through Will and Desire) by writing emails to Peter that tell him where I’m at, lovingly and directly. But when I speak to him on the phone, I drop right back into the spell – addiction and fear. I compulsively tell him I love him and want to hear those words back. In the moments when I’m interacting with Peter, the pain of not maintaining the illusion of love is so horrible, and my reaction to the pain feels automatic.

As I work through this it is helping to remind myself of how strong the grip of an addiction can be. I have had a lot of struggle just to disengage from coffee and from carbohydrates. I can’t expect the temptation to stay engaged in the illusions of my relationship to be any less powerful and hard to break. I feel like I’ll have to do something like what Odysseus did when he sailed near the Sirens – had his crew tie him to the mast so he wouldn’t try to swim to them (many men had drowned doing that!). Of course, this addiction will be very very hard to break until I’ve worked on the underlying lack of self-love, childhood beliefs that lead me to associate this addiction with love, and the core emotions that I’m using this addiction to avoid.

I’ll end by quoting two more good paragraphs from the book.

It is often said that we are either addicts or codependents; but I believe that most of us are addict-codependents, experiencing addictions to relieve the pain of our untreated codependence. When we enter relationships, some of us are likely to do so as Love Addicts seeking to calm the pain arising from the root problem: untreated symptoms of codependence. We wind up with relationships that are painful, but that are almost impossible to leave because they do relieve some of the pain of emptiness.

So, not all codependents are Love Addicts. Love Addicts turn to a person and to compulsive behavior within a relationship as a drug of choice for removing the pain of the difficulties in their relationship with themselves.

Water

Drinking a large amount of water every day is helpful on this path, for a lot of reasons. It helps us feel our own and others’ emotions, helps us connect to our spirit friends and receive Divine Love, and helps keep our bodies healthy as we process through emotions.

In February 2011, when AJ and Mary visited Athens, Greece, they talked with the audience about water. Mary had channelled information from the spirit guides and guardians of the people in the group, about how they could get in better contact with their spirit friends. Drinking lots of water was their first recommendation, and AJ explained why. AJ also described other benefits of drinking large amounts of water and gave some tips for selecting water to drink and taking natural salt to help our bodies process the water.

This material is from the video 20120211 Spirit Relationships – Connecting to Your Spirit Friends, starting at 1:13:23. I’ve edited it slightly and rearranged it a bit by topic.

How much water to drink

Mary: The very first thing they said to me, and they say this to me often, is that it’s very important to stay hydrated, to drink plenty of water. Plain water.
AJ: Not flavored, not tea, not coffee, not alcohol!
Mary: Just water. And they told me that I need to drink at least three liters a day.
AJ: At least. For a woman, at least three liters a day, for a man, even more. Four liters, at times my guides have told me six liters a day, where I was going through different things – six liters.
Mary: When you’re processing a lot, they said it’s got to be more. I don’t know if you’ve done some heavy processing, but whenever I do, I always just drink so much more, anyway.
AJ: If you analyze how much you drink in day, most people would only drink one to two liters a day, if that. Many less than that. As soon as I get up, I drink one to two liters – as soon as I get up. The moment I wake up, down goes two liters of water. It’s pretty easy to do once you get used to it. And in fact, your body hungers for it after a while. You actually find your body longing for that amount of water, the instant that you get up. And this is a part of what will happen. As you get more and more connected with your guides, you will definitely want to drink more water.

Water and connecting with our spirit friends

AJ: As you know, seventy percent or so of your body is water. Also in the spirit world, seventy or more percent of a spirit person’s body is water. It’s just in a different form, it’s in a gaseous form rather than a liquid form. It’s like vapor. If they are going to communicate with you, it makes sense that water is going to have to be at the same level for good communication to take place. If you think about it, in a practical way, sound travels through water much better than sound travels through air. Much faster. It travels at a much higher speed through water than it does through air. And therefore with much more clarity. So even if they attempt to speak with you so that you can hear it, if you’re well hydrated, the sound will travel better and with more clarity, even if it’s to do with speaking. But the way many spirits also speak with you is through your emotions.

Effect of water on feeling emotions

AJ: To feel your own emotions, you need to have lots of hydration. You need to drink water so that you can feel yourself better. And when you feel yourself better – because all of our emotions are actually conducted through the moisture in our body – if you can feel yourself better, then you can feel spirits around you better. And if you can feel spirits around you better, then you can feel what their intentions are and what their desires are better. If you don’t drink water, you stop this ability of being able to conduct emotions, or even feel your own emotions, but also the ability to conduct emotions to others through the moisture that’s in your body. And it’s very important to understand that, that your emotions are very much influenced by water.
Question: If you’re feeling some resistance to going into your emotions, would it assist to drink more water to help you go into your emotions more and to be in water or connect with water?
AJ: Yes, yes, yes. Particularly to drink more water. Because to drink more water, your body then is able to conduct emotions better. So it’s far better if you can drink higher amounts of water if you are resistive emotionally. Unfortunately, when we’re resistive emotionally, we have a high tendency to turn to carbohydrates and other foods, and we have a tendency to drink far less. So unfortunately, it’s a lot harder when we’re resistive to emotions to drink large amounts of water.

Love and water

AJ: Also, by the way, the emotion of love can highly influence water, more than any other substance. Many of you may have read about the different experiments that certain people have done in Japan and so forth, about how love influences the structure of water. [AJ is probably referring here to Masaru Emoto, the Japanese scholar who has been studying the effects of human consciousness on the molecular structure of water.] If a spirit is in a very high condition of love, can you see that water is the necessary part for him to conduct his love to you, for you to be able to sense or feel his love (or hers for that matter). If a spirit is in a very low condition, then they are less able to influence us when we have high amounts of hydration, for exactly the same reasons. Because, the higher the condition of love, the more water we have in our body, the easier it is for love to influence our body. In a lower condition of hydration, the harder it is for love to influence our body, and so therefore darker emotions can influence our body more easily. Can you see the relationship? So water is really really important.
Question: And, you were talking about the lower level spirits, are they less likely to be hydrated, or are their spirit bodies the same …?
AJ: They drink far less water, yes.
Question: Is the same true of Divine Love, to receive Divine Love?
AJ:Yes. We are far more conductive to receiving Divine Love when we are well hydrated, yes.

Bicarbonates in water

AJ: And by the way, you won’t like some water, either. Some waters have high bicarbonates in them. I’ve noticed here in Greece much of your bottled water has very high levels of bicarbonates, and it makes the water taste quite funny sometimes. You need to go for water that has very low levels of bicarbonates in it. A lot of the bicarbonates are 250 parts per million, and it’s very very high, and you can actually taste it in the water. If you go for lower than 70, and there is some water that you can buy, even here, that’s lower than 20. If it’s lower than 70 you will actually enjoy the water more, your body will enjoy the water more, and it will actually be easier to drink higher amounts of water, as a result. I just find it interesting – I’m noticing more and more that bottled water is containing higher and higher carbonate levels. And there are certain medical reasons why people are doing that, but unfortunately none of them benefit your body, I feel. When you have low carbonate levels in the water it feels much better to the body, and also your taste buds enjoy it far more, as well. Fresh rainwater is the best, delicious.

Water and mineral intake

Question:It is said a lot of water can cause problems to the kidneys, have the opposite effect, that’s what medicine dictates now. I know it because my grandfather has an issue with kidneys.
AJ: There is a theory in a lot of medicine that if you drink too much water – and in fact, in practice, you can drink too much water. However, it’s to do with the soluble salts in your body, as to what happens when you drink too much water. So as long as you keep up your mineral intake, and the way to do that the best is by having a natural salt of some kind. So rather than using salt that is highly refined, you get a salt like Himalayan salt or something like that, that has a whole variety of eighty or so minerals in it, and whenever you have salt during the day, you use that kind of salt, rather than a competely demineralized salt. And if you do that and still drink large amounts of water, you will not have any problems. As I said, I drink four to five liters of water every single day, and I don’t have any problems with any of those kind of things.
Mary: It seems to me to be a relationship between how much you are processing your emotion as well, though. If you aren’t emotionally open, I think you could overdo the water.

Releasing toxins

AJ: The more you emotionally process, the more toxins are getting released into your bloodstream, because your body holds onto the toxins while you’re holding onto the emotions. As you release the emotions, your body now needs to clear these toxins out of its system, and water the best possible way for your body to clear toxins out of your system. So while I was doing a lot of emotional processing work, my spirit friends wanted me to drink six liters of water every day, and I found that really easy to do, actually, as well. It was really easy to do. Two liters went as soon as I got up, and then it was only four liters for the rest of the day, and that was very very easy to do. The less you emotionally process, the less water you will need to clear away toxins, but if you want to stay connected with your spirit friends, you need to drink three liters of water whether you have toxins in your body or not.

Praying over our water

Question: Is it a good idea to, not bless your water, but send it a lot of love before you drink it?
AJ: Any prayer for love of anything is going to help it, certainly. However, in the end it doesn’t change the chemical composition of the water you’re drinking. So if the water you’re drinking has high bicarbonate levels, for example, praying about your water is not going to lower the bicarbonate levels. It may help the structure of the water in terms of beneficial to your body, but in terms of your taste buds, you’re probably still going to taste it much the same and therefore not want to drink it as much.

Bicarbonate levels in bottled waters

It seems that some people look for water with high bicarbonate levels because this suggests that the water is alkaline and will help to keep the body alkaline. AJ seems not to support this idea as being healthy.

I did a little bit of Internet research and found the following information about bicarbonate levels in bottled water:

  • The highest in bicarbonate levels seem to be the more expensive imported waters: Gerolsteiner has 1816 ppm, Evian 360 ppm, San Pellegrino 239 ppm, and Fiji 150 ppm.
  • The less expensive waters seem to have a lot less bicarbonates. According to the corporate websites: Arrowhead 81.1 ppm, Calistoga 22 ppm, Ozarka (drinking water) 27-32 ppm, Pure Life (purified water) 14-34 ppm, Pure Life (sparkling water) 15-67 ppm, Deer Park (natural spring water) 2.8-180 ppm, Deer Park (sparkling water) up to 59 ppm.

I feel it’s important to consider the source of the water as well. Many of the popular brands contain water from public taps, which is then filtered, distilled, disinfected, and/or UV treated. I feel that all this processing creates water that is not very healthy for us to drink. City water sources can also contain traces of whatever goes into the water system, including pharmaceuticals, soaps, etc., and filtering may not completely remove them. However, this is just my personal opinion, and I would not be surprised if AJ disagreed about these being important considerations.

Divine Truth Retreat seminar notes – Monday’s session

Why don’t I want to know or feel my addictions?
– Makes me feel there is something wrong with me
– Angry about being told
– Avoiding gives me a feeling of control
– Desire to remain a victim
– I am right, God is wrong
– Feeling emotions is pointless

Our parents are constantly projecting fear and anger at us (as children), and we feel there is no end to it. So we felt, I need my addictions, to cope. Also in childhood, we can’t leave or avoid it, and when we try anger as a coping mechanism, we get abused. Any expression of protest causes rejection or violence. We learn that any expression of our emotions needs to be squashed.

We learn addictions as ways to reduce some of these feelings. These addictions are often in place by age 3. The only form of protest available is to feel the addictions of the parent and to feed these addictions.

We learned them before we were able to think. This is why our addictions feel so confusing to us. We weren’t learning to intellectualize, we were learning these addictive behaviors almost automatically.

Then in preschool we got additional controls that compounded the problem.

For the child, it WAS a matter of survival.

We continue to believe we’re a victim. As a child, we WERE.

We don’t want to be told to connect to our emotions because as a child every time we did that, we were crushed or abused.

The feelings that we had as a child are now held as BELIEFS. (such as, that feeling emotions will bring on attack, that they are endless, that we have no other way to cope than addictions, etc.)
We feel that everything AJ is saying to us about feelings is wrong!

We might feel the Divine Truth is great, we have a soul-based attraction, but we also feel hopeless. It would be good to FEEL this feeling of hopelessness.

Practically everyone has these basic feelings about emotions ingrained in them. That’s why seminars that tell us how to get our addictions met have audiences of thousands! The average person who does feel their feelings is put on medications, and wants to be!

We need to deconstruct these beliefs. This has to happen before we will be able to move our addictions.

We go into neediness wanting to have the work done for us.

We feel that our addictions are the only way we will have any good in our life. It’s not uncommon for people who work on their addictions to become suicidal, because they really feel there will no longer be any good in their life.

There was a comment about living from sleep state to sleep state, because we get our addictions met there, because there is nothing nice left in the awake state.

Suicide is an angry response to feeling hopeless. In fact it will make things worse. So when we know this, we feel trapped. Trapped between the Truth and these childhood beliefs, with no way out.

Addiction was the only thing that worked, to get some semblance of peace. Now AJ is taking that away.

God’s Way is the exact way we DON’T believe in! When we hear about it, there are two possible responses:
1. No, it’s not God’s Way, it’s AJ’s way – anger at AJ
2. Anger with God for creating this Way!

This is why we have so much anger with God and toward religion. People in religions want the work to be done magically – Jesus’s blood just takes it away, we don’t have to do the work. That’s the source of the belief in Jesus taking away our sins.

WE ALL HAVE THIS FEELING AND NEED TO FEEL IT THROUGH AND THEN WILL TRACE IT TO CHILDHOOD EVENTS. THIS IS WHERE EMOTIONAL PROCESSING BEGINS.

I DON’T WANT TO FEEL MY ADDICTIONS! AND WHY!

We don’t want to feel them because we feel that without them, we will have no way to have a happy life.

The belief that feeling emotions is dangerous clearly comes from our childhood – we received abusive violent punishment when we did.

We’ve also been taught we can’t cope with the emotions. So we try to get away from them, and this resistance lets in spirit influence which could then start to look psychotic, and reinforces the belief we can’t cope.

Also, some children were taken out of body during abuse, so they come to feel this is a way of coping. They invite more spirits in.

A fear of being alone when I feel, and a feeling of wanting to share my emotions, both invite others into your emotional experience and can lead to being institutionalized.

Now, what do we do to address this?

FAITH.

Currently:
We have faith in our addictions.
We have faith in the beliefs from our childhood, that we currently have: about emotions, about fear, about God.
We have faith in self-reliance.
We have faith in society’s definitions.
We have faith in our personal experience: I will get abused more if I feel, that being emotional is weak, etc.
We have faith in our mind, the power of the mind.

With faith in all that, our will will be exercised to support these. Humility will also be used toward absorbing more of these emotions (we are humble to the error rather than the truth). Wherever our faith is, it directs our will and our humility.

Where our faith is, is where we’re going to use our will and where we’re going to exercise our humility.

So, even if Divine Truth sounds good to us, our faith is telling us the opposite things. Someone who says the truth is different (to where our faith is) will seem to be an idiot.

We believe in THIS world (of error), and we feel disconnected from God because we feel he must have created it.

To change, we have to start deconstructing where we’re placing our faith. This is our primary problem.

We feel this effort is pointless and going to take forever and put us in conflict with the world – so we have very little motivation.

Then how do we do it?

We have these emotions about feeling our feelings:

  • That it’s hopeless/futile
  • That it’s dangerous
  • That it’s impossible
  • That it’s not necessary
  • That it’s cruel and wrong

We need to feel these feelings right to the end! Then we will not feel them any longer.

We get rid of our false beliefs by FEELING them. This is the opposite to what we want to do!

We feel our options are:

1. Feel pain
2. Feel “good”
3. Be numb

Our priorities usually are:

Feel pain: 0 … Feel “good”: 50% … Be numb: 50%

After we learn some Divine Truth, we tend to go:

Feel pain: 0 … Feel “good”: 0 … Be numb: 100%

We are going to have to feel uncomfortable and feel pain to confront addictions!

When we want to feel good, we attract spirits and people to help us do that.

When we allow ourselves to be numb, we attract spirits and people who take over our life.

We believe pain is the most dangerous option, but is is really the least dangerous.

We continue to think and feel as children, because we haven’t released our beliefs from childhood. We’re children in adult bodies. [I still believe I have no self-determination, maybe because I numbed out and gave up self-determination and let others control my life ever since then.]

It’s hard to get a start on the Way to God because our most painful emotional experiences are going to be the first ones we feel.

The reasons I want addictions are related to our childhood beliefs. We feel these are the most painful sets of beliefs, and they often are. They are quite emotional because they were formed pre-intellectually.

There is a lot of general rage about the deconstruction of a myth.

The only way a childhood belief is released is by feeling it. But we totally believe they are true, so why would we feel them?

We have to feel our actual childhood beliefs, not what we want our beliefs to be.

The only way to progress forward now is to feel these childhood beliefs – not to hear more Divine Truth. These feelings are trapped emotions in our soul, and they determine our belief systems.

The mind is only capable of changing when there is no emotional impediment to the change.

The majority of people who hear the Divine Truth are not releasing their false beliefs. We have to FEEL the painful feelings.

No change can happen from listening to Divine Truth if we don’t feel and release the false beliefs. We can’t avoid feeling the most painful feelings, if we want to progress. We can’t choose to just feel the easier ones.

Watch the video How the Human Soul Functions over and over and over.

You need to feel the truth of your experience in this life if you are ever going to progress.

WHAT DO I ACTUALLY FEEL FROM MY CHILDHOOD?

These are the feelings that are opposing the truth entering your soul.

As you feel these feelings you will begin to see the connections to your addictions.

1) What do I believe from my childhood?
2) What do I do to avoid feeling these childhood beliefs? (my addictions)

It is important to ask both questions. There will be a thousand childhood beliefs and often many addictions covering each belief. The beliefs we are able to state and name without crying are the ones we have the most addictions covering.

The goal is to discover what is covering our childhood beliefs and start FEELING the childhood beliefs.

While you’re living in addictions, no feelings will come out. When you deconstruct the addictions enough, the feelings will pop out.

Why? Because your addictions are the exercise of your will to deny your childhood emotional experiences. If you’re exercising your will to deny, you’re exercising your will in direct opposition to what God’s Love would do. When you’re in addiction, your prayer is: No, I don’t want to confront my childhood emotional experiences.

.

Divine Truth Retreat seminar notes – Saturday’s session

AJ will be holding seminars every other day at the Texas retreat. Following are my notes from the first part of Saturday’s session, which was about two hours long. After the break, AJ spoke for another hour and a half on addictions. I’ll post notes from that session sometime soon.

I found this to be a very powerful and triggering session. Some of the most triggering material for me was about the sleep state – not new material, but presented in a way that caused me to drop my denial about certain things that have been happening in my sleep state. So my notes on this section are very skimpy because I was not focused on taking notes.

I suggest that if you find these notes interesting and helpful at all, that you watch or listen to the sessions when they are available. Obviously my interests and injuries will have affected to some degree the accuracy of my notes, and it would be much better for you to hear Jesus’s actual words.

NOTES FROM SATURDAY’S SESSION

First, AJ read a quote from The Life Elysian (second paragraph of Chapter 3). It begins, “The surgeon who drives his scalpel deep.” AJ’s point was that he is going to be quite candid and truthful with us during this retreat, and we may perceive his truths to be painful. He said he isn’t trying to make our lives difficult, but to help us grow toward God.

He then asked us why we are here. Several people answered, and a lot of the responses were about a longing for truth. AJ said his and Mary’s spirit friends said that these are our actual reasons for being here:

1. Some are basically needy and need to have reassurance.
2. Some want someone to do all the work for them, they want hand-holding through decisions and feelings, and still have many New Age practices.
3. Some want personal time with Jesus and Mary. They feel their situations are special and that previously given general information doesn’t apply to them.
4. Some are people who desire others and themselves to shut down emotionally.
5. Some want to be told they are doing well, or they believe they are doing well and want positive feedback.
6. Some are under heavy spirit influence and have come to undermine the proceedings.
7. Some have come so they’ll be able to say “I was there when…” and brag or feel superior to others who weren’t here.
8. Some have a sincere desire to grow and want to use their time well.

AJ suggests that we work on deconstructing a lot of our stuff.

These are the same emotions that groups who come to seminars all over the world have.

AJ suggested we feel about our choices while we’re here, to value the opportunity here. He expressed thanks to Robin, Caroline, and Michael for their work in making this event happen.

QUESTION ABOUT SHAME

AJ said, this question is specifically about sexual shame in childhood, but shame comes from all sorts of sources in childhood.

In a situation of abuse, the adult tells itself it has nothing to be ashamed of. It blames the child for the shame. “You made me do this.” This creates openings in the child, so the child believes it has something to be ashamed of.

The shame is really the adult’s, although the child feels it. The adult refuses to own it and projects the shame onto the child. Although it is not our own shame, we still need to feel it. (We also need to feel the shame of anything we’ve done out of harmony with love. There is a Law of Compensation emotion.)

The refusal of the adult to acknowledge that it is doing a shameful thing is what causes the child to feel shame.

The feeling “I’m not lovable” is the measure of the adults’ poor treatment of you. This emotion is not true, and it is not even your own emotion. But you still need to feel it in order to release it.

When we tell ourselves the same thing (“I am not lovable”) – which is a lie – we prevent ourselves from feeling the real feeling (“I was told I am not lovable”). When we tell ourselves the lie, we just reinforce the belief. We do need to feel the feeling “I am not lovable” in order to release it. But do not reinforce it!

Shame is the feeling where you feel so bad about yourself that you believe everything that was done to you was your fault in some way. If you believe that, it is highly unlikely that you will feel it, because there would be no point – you believe it’s true.

QUESTION ABOUT SEXUAL PREDATORS

They are very sensitive to children’s emotions. The child would already have a feeling that anything that happens to it is their fault. This feeling is an attraction for the predator. The spirits with the predator tell him who is open. The predator knows the child won’t tell because the child will feel the event was its own fault.

BACK TO SHAME

For an adult, there are two causes of shame:

1. Someone else perpetrated shame on you as a child, and it’s still in you
2. Things you have done that you have shame about

We are temped to run away from our self-inflected shame once we hear what he just said!

The projection of blame in childhood can lead to terror.

QUESTION ABOUT SLEEP STATE

It’s rare for a person to be in a better condition in their sleep state than in their awake state.

(There was much more material about the sleep state than I wrote down – I believe much of the same information is covered in the Sleep State seminar.)

HOW OUR CONDITION DEGRADES

It starts with the parents’ collective condition, including their morality, ethics, sexuality, religious and political beliefs – all these affect their feelings and beliefs about sexuality.

Because of this kind of pre-conditioning, the average female believes the receipt of sexual projections is a measure of her femininity. If the projections include approval, she is open to them.

Women are expected to take responsibility for males’ sexual behavior, as in many religious belief systems.

The parents’ emotions enter the child in utero, and then the parents’ feelings and beliefs are enacted with the child after it is born. The parents treat the child according to their feelings and beliefs.

Some of these beliefs are seemingly positive but actually are negative. For instance, “I shouldn’t say something that makes another person angry, even if it’s true.”

So how do we address this situation, with regard to the degradation of our soul in childhood?

1) Know the truth. Build a desire to know the truth.
2) Face the truth.
3) Feel the truth.

Abuse victims often cut themselves off from their family, change their name, get depressed, don’t have children (or get post-natal depression if they do have children), become hypervigilant, and become manically busy – but they don’t ever deal with the feelings from childhood – shame, terror, fear, anger.

So those emotions are still in their soul, and they attract spirits who are like their parents. In the awake state we can keep people at bay and deny the presence of spirits, but in the sleep state there is no barrier to them.

Feeling that I am to blame shuts down my grief.

QUESTION ABOUT A PHYSICAL PROBLEM

(A woman’s whole left side is affected.)

A lot of our physical injuries arise from expectations and demands.

If you’re numb, you don’t want to feel.
There will be anger over having to feel what you don’t want to feel.

We often feel the ERROR (eg I’m not worthy). We need to RELEASE the error and FEEL the TRUTH.

SYMPTOMS OF FEELING THE ERROR

– Self-attack/internalized rage
– Self-abuse/self-attacking actions: overeating, alcohol, drugs
– Hopelessness and despair – “there’s no point in dealing with it”
– Anger
– Judgment of others and self

This is cyclical and can be endless.

We do it because we are afraid to feel the truth.

Our parents taught us to do all these things rather than place the responsibility for our feelings where it belonged (on them). They taught us to do all these things to get their approval. So we would accept their treatment of us. There is a sense of “I deserved it.”

Feel the truth. Feel the pain of the erroneous beliefs, the pain of what happened in relation to God’s Truth. Feel the pain of the harm, whatever the source.

The only reason we fear our parents is to prevent our own feelings.

The only reason we fear anything is that we want to prevent our own feelings about it.

When you realize this – when you know you can cope with your own emotional response to anything – you will not fear any person.

San Diego seminar notes – Sunday’s session

The first question was about the money changers in the temple – someone asked AJ, “Were you angry?” He said no, and then described the situation at the temple and more about his first-century life. Later he also discussed reincarnation – that the usual understanding of it is not correct and does not happen – and how it actually worked when he and the rest of the fourteen returned to earth. I did not take notes on these particular topics because AJ has discussed them elsewhere.

The day also included a very moving conversation that AJ had with a young woman in the audience about her childhood and her current feelings about her childhood and her parents. I didn’t take notes on that, either.

There were two main topics that were discussed on Sunday that I did take notes on: passive aggressiveness in American society/anger in general, and denial with regard to the Law of Attraction – plus a little bit about desire and making changes in our lives.

Passive aggressiveness in American society

We (Americans) tend to use: sarcasm, criticism (building up the self and pulling down others), gossip, control and manipulation, a dismissive attitude, rudeness, political activity, sports, and pouting/the silent treatment, among others.

We refuse to allow ourselves to believe we’re angry.

We pander to angry people.

The actions/attitudes listed above release some of the pent-up rage, but it tends to build up over time. People get “grumpy” when they’re older because of all that built-up anger.

Often when people connect to their anger for the first time, they go berserk. In a group, a riot may ensue.

Most people believe they’ve resolved their anger. Very little self-reflection.

There can be a gender bias in our passive-aggressive behavior and attitudes.

Men do “guy” things (like fishing trips) because they have sadness about their relationship and want to be away from it.

Objectifying the opposite gender is an expression of rage.

Excluding a gender is all about anger.

When angry, many people become ultra selfish and self-absorbed, not being in tune with what is going on around them. Including, that we want what we want and everyone else be damned.

When we are angry:

1) We often plead ignorance about it.
– There is a lot of rage in “you can’t expect me to know how to be loving.”
– Ignorance is a choice we make.
– If we are ignorant it’s because generally we choose to ignore what’s really going on.
– Ignorance is close to denial. (The word ignorance comes from ignore.) It is not using our will, not being humble, and not wanting to know the truth. We could choose to no longer be ignorant.

2) We deny that we are angry.
– We don’t see the link between our emotion and its effect in ourselves and in the world.
– How much love comes out of us often determines what comes back to us.
– Sarcasm is a choice to deny. It is an angry action, very unloving.
– Denial sets us up for passive aggressive expression of our rage.

Most of us are just a smidge away from violence. That’s why we are often on tenterhooks with one another. We pander to each other’s rage.

Our anger is attracting what we read about in the newspaper, what happens in the news.
– If I got loving attention as a child only when I was sick or hurt, imagine how that would affect my attractions as an adult and also contribute to news events.

The Law of Attraction

… is a law of love.

Consider:
1) How others treat others and how I feel about it.
2) How others treat me and how I feel about it.
3) How I treat others and how I feel about it.
4) How I treat myself and how I feel about it.

We are willing to talk about #1 and #2 first, because we feel we are not at fault. We prefer them from a perspective of denial.

#3 is the one we least want to see. This is about repentance. #3 is how we cause the most damage to our soul generally. Along with #1 it causes the majority of the damage to our soul. Most of us believe #2 caused most of our soul damage.

Our parents created a fertile ground for us to be unloving to others – but we had the choice.

Most people look only at #2 with the Law of Attraction.

Our internal ethics are often flawed:
Anything good, we think “I attracted it.”
Anything painful, “Someone did it to me.”
When the truth of this is exposed, we get quiet because we don’t want to hear it.

What I’ve done to another: I must see the truth and repent.
What others have done to me: I must see the truth and forgive.

Until our heart is open to repentance and forgiveness, we will continue to be closed to Divine Love.

We will not have problems with spirit influence if we engage forgiveness and repentance.

Desire

There was a question about overeating. AJ said, to change the direction of desire, it may help to ask about the truth of the situation. When we’re not willing to feel the cause (face the truth), we will revert back to the old behavior.

San Diego seminar notes – Saturday’s session

Somewhere around a hundred people attended on Saturday. For most, this was their first time seeing AJ “live.” Some had only just encountered his teachings in the week prior, after having seen the flier for the seminar. There was a good balance between males and females. Mary was there but didn’t get in front of the group.

My notes definitely aren’t complete, and please read them with a little bit of skepticism as far as the errors I might have introduced in the process of scribbling and then transcribing them.

I’ll post my notes from Sunday soon!

NOTES FROM SATURDAY’S SEMINAR

AJ focused throughout the seminar on the five most important qualities of soul:
Faith
Will
Humility
Truth
Love
This is the order in which we must engage them, because each depends on the ones that precede it. Fear prevents engagement with all of these in a soul-based and passionate way.

We must learn to be self-reflective. This is an attribute of humility. Lack of self-reflection is a major problem in our progression.
Because of lack of self-reflection, we seek leaders, and this desire brings about cults, religions, politics, and economic conditions.
Also, when we lack self-reflection, we say to ourselves that everything is okay inside me. This leads to the feeling either that everything is okay in the world, too, or that my problems exist because the world is not okay. Systems of belief develop to support these feelings.

To be self-reflective means allowing ourselves to see ourselves as God sees us.

We have God’s Laws helping us to see everything about ourselves:

    The Law of Attraction shows you what you are.
    The Law of Cause and Effect shows you what you create.
    The Law of Compensation shows you that you have done something out of harmony with love (so, you must develop a desire to know what it is).

Being self-reflective is part of being a self-responsible individual.

When I am considering action in a situation, I can consider it in terms of the five qualities of soul:
What would love want me to do?
What would truth demand?
What would humility lead to?
Would I sit and wait, or use my will in some direction?
What do I know (things I have faith in), that would inform my choice?

Fear suppresses will. You convince yourself you don’t have a desire when you really do!
By choosing not to feel our fear, we are choosing to suppress our will and desire.
How do you develop will? Through desire for a loving relationship with God and soul mate.

To choose to live in fear is an angry position.
We get lost in fear because we are refusing to act.
If we refuse any of the five soul qualities, we get lost in fear.
Refusal to act – not fear! – is the reason people stay in bad situations, etc.

Confusion and doubt are indications I am avoiding a fear. Hopelessness is a desire to avoid feeling fear – an angry choice also.

To act in the face of fears:
1) List your fears.
2) Do what you are afraid of.
3) Anger is your guide (also doubt, confusion, and hopelessness).
4) Take loving action.

Whatever is in our heart will motivate our will.

When we have a desire, we should do it! Only ask, is there any evidence that this choice is NOT loving? This is the only consideration that would make me pause from following my desires.

Prayer is the greatest expression of mankind’s will. The highest expression of will is the desire to receive God’s Love.

Will includes: desire, intention (future desire), prayer, intention to change, passion, longing, creativity, enthusiasm, choice

Look at the relationship between will and pain.

It is impossible to experience pleasure if you are shutting down your pain.

Jesus discussed the three selves, especially facade. The facade develops partly to avoid emotional and physical violence in childhood.

The deconstruction of the facade is an important problem. There are strong fear-based motivators to keep the facade: fears about others’ perceptions of us, often. Often it’s not our own inertia that stops us from growing but that everyone else wants to see the facade. Our parents wanted to see our facade. We respond to others’ demands and expectations, because we fear we won’t be loved if we don’t.

Jesus said, “I died because of people’s resistance to change.”